Thinking that I meant anything to her. It happens in every relationship, or is that friendship(?) that I’ve ever found myself in.
Not necessarily a future as a couple, because I’ve always known that would never happen.
I guess when the “fortune teller” at the last Halloween told me that I would be loved by everyone, but that I would never find, or have a girlfriend/wife, etc.
But nonetheless, I keep on trying to find a romantic love interest. One that will both receive and return the love I so desperately want to.
But complications. and there are always those, seem to pop-up. Every single time.
I’ve cried so many tears over the ones I’ve loved. Because of course I want to hold them, to embrace them, to assure them that what I have to offer is a lifetime deal, no broken promises. Each love that I’ve encountered has a sad story behind them.. broken relationships, mentalities, longings, abuse, etc.. So even going in I know what to expect. Still, I try my best to win them over. Sometimes I feel I am pushing myself over the edge for nothing. My heart hurts for the cause, and I end up crying so many tears.
Yeah, a 57-59 year old man actually crying tears. That might mean that I am crazy, that I’ve based my life and my actions, well being, on tears and a broken heart. Truthfully I’d rather have a heart that is grateful and overjoyed that it has even a remote chance at finding true love again and again. But it’s not like a smooth transition. There’s always a gap in there, kinda like the gap in my years between jobs.
Carri, the first woman I’ve ever been naked with told me something that struck me as truth; that “as long as I was not happy being by myself I would never be happy with anyone else.” Damn it to hell… The first time I was actually on top of a woman and she had me balling my eyes out on her neck.
Of course, I had to accept what she said. Was it the truth though? Do you really have to be happy with yourself? I find the fact that I’m not happy with myself as a sort of push to better myself. To give more than what I can, or have. I mean, I can always strive to do more, but obviously there are things that I can’t do. I can always give away my heart, and I do. I really do.
But of course some people just don’t want what I have to offer..It doesn’t matter if it’s love, or simple friendship. I mean, I’ve crossed the line between friendship and love on my own, and it keeps slapping me in the face and putting me down.
And it keeps haunting me; the reasons I do what I do remain unknown to me. No one that I’ve ever gotten to known has ever stayed in my life. If I were to truly romanticize any and all my friendships/relationships, it would sound so much like the verse to the song “Drift Away:” I wanna get lost in this love and drift away“
Yeah, the only thing that goes right is the fact that I always get lost… and it’s both maddening and exhilarating at the same time. Maddening because It’s impossible, and exhilarating because it’s happening.