I’m going to be honest here, sometimes I don’t think I have what it takes. Yeah, head raised high and all that jive. I walk that walk, but my heart. I always feel like it’s on a losing streak. I love so strong and so hard, and so fast because I believe that’s what I need to do in this life. But no matter what, the weakness inside of me always wins. It’s like I fell in love with you so easily, but soon after the attachment clicked in and then when I don’t hear from you, I feel so abandoned. I don’t know, perhaps I should take a clue from what I see all around me; men have women hanging on their arms, and I am always the odd man out in left field, waiting to catch that flyball. but it just. never seems to fly my way.
Since I’ve been alone for almost all of my 57 years, I feel like I should be used to being alone by now. But it’s like every single night I cry myself to sleep. And then I wake up and I am bawling my freaking eyes out because I am alone. I don’t go out and make friends, but I do go out and try and make people smile, and laugh, but I am so sad inside, and it really, really hurts.
I want a relationship, a woman to hold hands with. A woman to talk with. A woman to cuddle with. It seems like in my mind I know all the things I want to do and can do. I blame my dreams and aspirations for that, because that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of. But although I get close sometimes, it’s always so freaking far away. I don’t want sex, but although it would be nice, my main thing is the intimacy.
I don’t get these long-distance relationships. Sure, I invest my time in them, and she always appreciates it(?) But the thrill of the moment is followed by something dreadful. And it’s because I just don’t know what’s going on over there. I spend my days and nights either talking with her or dreaming of her. Just one moment without hearing from her and I think the worse. Truthfully my body and mind just shuts down. Of course, I realize there’s a life outside of a romance, especially with the distance involved. But every time I fall in love, I don’t want to be even a moment away from her.
I need her.